.........

I may look happy but deep inside me, I am really scare and worry. Hope everything is OK but whatever the outcomes, I give myself to Allah s.w.t. I hope I am strong enough to face His test. I know Syawal will always besides me and we'll face this together bravely, InsyaAllah.

The moody pregnant lady

I know it's normal for pregnant ladies experiencing mood swings but little that I expect I'll experience it too. Yesterday was the worst mood swing I experienced so far.

It wasn't due to my study but the visa thingy. We met the officer yesterday to submit our application. We couldn't submit the application yet because of this last single evidence. What evidence?? The latest 3 mnths bank statements. I found the 2 mnths but couldn't found the Sept statement. It was really killing me, trying to find where the hell this statement gone. At first, I thought I could print out the statement from the online banking & get the bank to stamp on it. But... it's bank policy & couldn't stamp on it. Aaarrrghh. So, we had to request for the bank statement & wait until it arrives. Until that.. we couldn't submit our application. What make me really tense is I kept seeing that missing statement. I've searched everywhere again & again, but still couldn't find it. On top of that, the home office just implemented a new rule that could prolong the process *huh*.

I don't know what happened to me yesterday, but I was really depressed when I went home at the evening. I couldn't do & think about anything else except that bank statement & our application. I felt like to shout/angry to everyone (read: syawal & syafique) but I forced myself to cool down. Luckily managed to do it at least a little b'cos syawal was sleeping but syafique couldn't escaped from my mood swing. Sorry syafique... But I think he understands because few days earlier I told him that since pregnant, I can get angry easily.

In that moody situation, I still managed to cook for dinner. But... during that, I cried my heart out most of the time. If syawal didn't sleep, he could hear me crying in the kitchen b'cos I didn't control myself at all. I blamed myself for not able to think fast enough about the bank statement. If I think faster, this request thingy can be done even faster & we could submit the application. The truth... I worried too much. I let the situation defeat me.

the good thing was... I managed to finish my cooking & felt much better after that. When syawal woke up, I felt less moody & could tell him my depress feeling without getting angry,*phooh*. I even could talked heart to heart with him about my situation. I just hope syawal (& syafique too) will be this understanding at least until the baby comes out. One bad thing about me is when I am angry, I could be very inconsiderate. The least I want now is have a fight with syawal. Hope syawal will be patient, InsyaAllah.

I guess this mood swing is really normal for a pregnant lady *sigh*. Like in this incident, I shouldn't be worry too much about it. I could just go with the flow as the visa will be expired in 2 mnths time & we still have ample time to plan for the Austria trip.

upset, stress, headache.....& the list goes on

no...no...no.... it's not about my PhD thingy. But.....what JUST happened to me (read us) is actually completing my depression for today, huhuhuhu. I hate U*K.....waaaaaa.

I really don't know how to act to this. Well, actually it's not a big problem. It's just that....., hmm how should I put this. Well, maybe a little bit frust. I would like to say in this situation, we're a victim of bureaucracy. When I filled the form few wks ago, I thought that was very easy but only for a while. Then, they came back requesting loads of things. From one to another & still not settle. Why can't they explain in detail in the first place. In fact, before I filled the form I had to confirm few things from other sources, *huh*. On top of that... their responses are like aaaggggeeeesss. My last email was 2 wks ago & they just replied this evening, saying they need something else *gggggrrrrr*. Is it just us who experiencing this with them as I never heard others complaining about it?????

Anyway.. I need to cool down myself. I've emailed the ppl that I hope could help us with this matter. Hope they will respond ASAP. Syawal will be surprised tomorrow when he check his email as I sent it without consulting him first. Sometimes, in this situation, less communication between us is necessary. One thing is because my style of managing thing is very different from him. I know if I ask him he will say, will do it later & me??? I want to settle everything ASAP. I don't like to proscratinate my 'not-Phd' work. If I want to do something, I want to do it on that time. This is also the reason why I volunteer myself to manage the house things( bill, bill, payment, payment, etc,etc) when we're back in M'sia. Because for syawal, everything can wait. So not my style. But what I did learn from him is... never let the situation defeats you. Just go with the flow.... well for my self, I whine & nag in the same time. That is what women do best...whining!!!

Talking about proscratination, I went to a talk by someone famous (at least among PhD students) last week on this topic. It was by Jorge Cham, the author of PhDComics. Well... the summary of his talk, proscrastination is actually normal/OK for PhD student. Yey.... that means I am a normal Phd student, *muahahhahahahah*. Anyway, if you're doing PhD, his comic is a must to read!!! I always enjoy his work b'cause you'll find that they are actually happening to you, in real life!!!.

2 days of me..

Yesterday.....

I woke up as usual but after performed my Subuh, felt really sleepy. Syafique was being cranky & had to force him to take bath. In fact I had to ask syawal to manage syafique as he was being so silly. Told syawal I need to take another short nap as I was really sleepy. While sleeping, I could hear syawal nagged at Syafique & syafique was crying. **Aarrghhh**. Syawal woke me up at 8.15 & I knew it was late as I hadn't prepared syafique's lunch box yet. Luckily, we have the brioche & yogurt, so that would be his lunch for Monday. By the time I finish, syawal still nagging & syafique still crying. Even though syawal wasn't finish with his nagging yet, I just pulled syafique out from the toilet & prepared him. Asked him to take his breakfast. In the toilet, I could still hear syawal nagging, not to syafique. This time to me... Let it be. I just didn't want syafique to be late to school. Since we're already late, only syawal took syafique to school.

Then, went to the office. Luckily, things went quite well. Nothing spoiled the mood, Alhamdulillah. However, I was really pissed off by the end of the day. Monday is syawal's turn to pick up syafique from school so I could stay longer at the office. It was raining heavily that afternoon & we had a meeting with syafique's teacher at 6pm. So I rang syawal & proposed to him, if he could fetch me from the office & then we could go to the school straight away. What make me upset was, instead of saying yes, he questioned why I still in the office. He asked to come back home. Come on....***aaarrghh**8. Luckily, I was in the office. If it was just me & him, I would surely argue with him. He knows the latest I could go back is by 6pm. So, not to make any scenes (even though, inside me, I was really boiling), so I said, I would see him at the school. The truth was, I was really upset. I kept cursing him (in my mind only).... how could he did this to me, how selfish is he. However, about 5.30pm when I was about to pack my stuff, he called, saying he'll pick me up & went to syafique's school. Exactly the same thing that I proposed to him earlier. Hmmm. Because of his silliness, I got free sins by cursing him, hikhihik.

I didn't say much in the car as I was still angry but actually, I was surprised with myself. I controlled my anger very calmly. Instead of arguing, I just kept quiet. Just talked when he asked. Luckily the meeting with Mrs. Robinson went very well. Summary from the meeting... syafique is doing excellently. He's one of the top students in the class as in UK education system, they don't have the numbering system to show ur position in the class. What amaze me (again), syafique is the best speller in the class. About the same comment that we received when syafique was in year 1. Plus, I think syafique did improve a lot compared to when he was in Y1, in terms of class participation. I hope he'll stay like this but if he could reduce his 'crying' habit, I would be very grateful. I was surpised too when Mrs Robinson said that his 'crying' habit is not that bad, in fact has been better, means less crying. So we left the school with happy & proud feeling. Even syafique was happy. Until today, he kept asking what his teacher said about him. Hmmmm.

After that we went home & my smile still continues. First, when I looked at the sink. Syawal washed everything & the sink looked very shiny. Then, on the counter top I saw 'sambal tumis cili api ikan bilis'. Oooh.. he cooked. Yahoo. Even better, he cooked sardine curry too. Heaven...... we had lovely dinner & by 8pm all of us already on bed as I was really sleepy. To abang... thanks for the lovely dinner. BTW, that sambal tumis is his mother signature, & her sambal belacan too.

Today....

After a good sleep last night, woke up this morning on my own, not by the alarm. Everything went smooth. Syafique being good & by 8.10 am, I was on my way to the office. I have a class at 9am every Tuesday, so can't take syafique to school. When I was on my way to the class, bumped on Pa*l on the stairs. He just arrived with red nose & out of breath of climbing stairs to the happy t 4th floor. Had a short chat & continue my way to the class. The class was great. I think, this yr students are more hardworking than last year. The turn up is much higher & that make me more excited to teach every week.

After had lunch (jacket potato again:(), syawal came to my place. Told me to transfer money from Msia. I've transfered RM1+++ last month & now he wants me to transfer more???? Honestly, I don't really feel happy to transfer our salary in M'sia unless it is really necessary. The next allowance is due next week & he said there's little money left in his account. Plus, we're going for a short break this weekend & he doesn't want to use the credit card. I understand that very well but what make me not happy is '....' owe us £3++ & he used his ccard money. Actually, we've argued on this matter again and again. Of course I asked him to speed up the payment back to us. Just imagine, since July until now. Hmmm. I kinda pissed of when he told me to transfer the money but when I asked him about our money, he said he knows what he's doing. Its' not fair!!!! We had more arguments when he came back home. So I said... I will not transfer the money until he gets our money back. Being ego.... he said OK. However, after I put a deep thought on it, I think I will transfer the money as we're going for the short break. I don't want to use the ccard as well. However, this will be the last time. There will be no more money tarnsfer until we get the money back.

Now everything is back to normal between me & him. Again.... I was boiling only during that argument. Had a lovely dinner, with yesterday's leftover. I just cooked omelette just to show him that I cook & tomorrow, it's gonna be his turn, hikhikhikhik. Ooooo, btw, I am really tired of going to the toilet bac & forth to wee. Aarrghhh. Can you imagine, I had to pee 3 -5 times in 1/2 hours. How tiring is that....