Testing.

Tetiba rasa nk menulis dalam blog balik.  My last entry thn 2012. Skrg dah 2015.  Kenapa tiba2 nk tulis blog balik?  Sbb there are times aku rasa nk luahkan perasaan, tapi x ada channel yg sesuai. We'll see..

So long......

Giler lama blog ni tak berupdate. Ni kes tak leh nak tido & tak tau surf apa lagi kat internet, trus teringat kt blog ni. baca my old entris, make me realized how blogging can be a good therapy for me. Lots of things happened & mmg rugi tak dpt share kt personal space ni. FB tu dh ramai sgt kengkawan. itupun kadang2 aku rasa mcm show off plak bila dok upload gambar jalan2

oklah. harap2 aku rajin nak memblog balik. InsyaAllah

Excessive stress

I felt so stress lately & I don't like it all. Who like, right? Anyway... why I am so stress??? My answer; work stuff, what else. But seriously, everything is so stressful. However, I always try to control myself. Not to think about it. Hmm, sometimes it work but most of the times... nope.

I actually am very sleepy now & can't really think clearly. My eye lids keep closing & yes.. I am forcing myself to stay awake. While typing this, I'm watching Grey' Anatomy as well. I put the window side by side.. so typing and watching. Yeah... I multitask all the time.

Tomorrow is going to be a bz day. My old school frens are coming. Of course I feel nervous but luckily, it is a potluck gathering. So, I decided to cook nasi tomato & orderes cple of other foods. But I am very excited to meet them again. I used to have a crush on one of them but I definitely positive I have no feeling towards him anymore. nadaa. Mr. S shouldn't be worried, hheehhee. I invited my adik/ x-BF buthe couldn;t make it. I wish he could come b'cos me myself cannot imagine how will I face him.

ANW, back to the title of this entry. Mr. S told me about his colleague having bleeding in his brain. Few days ago he was critical but he's getting better. They later found out that the reason was excessive stress. he was a prof & he was giving a talk when it happened. His mic suddenly dropped which he didn't realized it. Somebody gave him the mic back & he dropped it again. then, his condition became worse & later sent to the hospital.. His story really make me scared b'cos that is waht I feel now. I think I should slow myself down with the work stuff. But... hmm, I don't know :(. I tried not to think about other people too, their achievement and everything make me really down sometimes. Hurmmm, I think this is what we call as patrparanoia.

I need to sign off now. Dear God... please help me,please help your helpless humble servant. Please make me grateful with what I already have, please, please,please...

Once in a while...

for this entry, nak buat curahan perasaan sket. I don't know what getting it my mind but I really need to clear it off.

Thank God I am taking a day off today, managed to do major spring cleaning, hehhehehe. ANW, while cleaning I did a lot thought about myself, my career the most, hmmm. How to say this? Or how to write this actually????

How to begin??????

OK, let start with my career path. I think I can be categorized as a smart student when I was undergrad and I believe it wasn't just me who thought about that. I am not puji diri sendiri. I joined my current workplace in 2000 with hope I would have a smooth sail journey but we could only plan, The rest is depends on Him, Allah s.w.t. To cut the story short, I only got my PhD 9 yrs after that and how sad of that, compared to other frens. Not just that, my colleague, we went to UK for PhD on the same day but diff flight, he already got his ass. prof title & he is much younger than me, huhuhuhu. & during my induction course that I went recently, there is a new lecturer same like me but she is just 26 yrs old. Suddenly I felt so lame :(.

ANW, I should proud of myself too, Why? because it's very rare to know someone that can finish their phd exactly in 3 yrs, especially in eng field (exception to my former dean, r*d*n) and with me pregnant that time, that was such an achievement. Once reported back to duty.. I got my senior lecturership. That was my 'anchor' when I was doing my PhD. I really wanted to complete my study ASAP for that and Allah is always with me. He made my path went smoothly.

Seems like I am one happy, aren't I? But why I still feel empty now. I exactly know why. In the recent dept meeting, there was a discussion on performance evaluation. you have to get 80% & above to get annual increment, etc. failure to get that, you'll be in big troubles. this is exactly what my HOD said. There are 2 main things that if you fail producing in this 2 things, u'll definitely will never get 80%. and it's really make me upset. why??? because I am targetting to get my AP in 3 yrs time. I am to strategize myself but until today, the chances are pretty slim. I still have no grant & no new published journal. Well, I have some grant applictions but still no result. But the the thing that make me feel terrible is the publication. I even haven't started writing, waarrgggh. And time flies with the light speed...waaaaa. I should start writing but I don't know, I always been hold up (by myself) from writing. I just need to force myself!!!. I have the material, that is one good thing right? Come on Anom!!!

There are some other things that make me down actually. This is another difficult thing to write. Hmmm. In my workplace, our the practise is normally when u write an article, you'll put ur other frens name together and in return, they'll put ur name in the papers. It's like a win-win situation. Sadly, I have no papers & I couldn't add any of my frens name anywhere. With that, nobody is offering to put my name in their paper, even my so-called gud frens. before this I didn't really mind but recently, being editor of this conference, i got to see all submitted papers. About this fren's paper, intially there were only 2 names, hers & other also gud fren of me. It's ok until recently she made some changes & I noticed another new name, which is also my fren and I know she didn't do contribute anything b'cos she just came back from long leave. Once I saw it, I really felt sad. I just wondered she never asked me about it. I know I shouldn't feel sad but I couldn't help it. Don't worry.. I never angry at her or others. It just me who feel little bit down/upset. the truth, I really feel worry about my KPI :(.

ANW, everytime I feel upset, I always try to counter it by thingking from the positive side. One way... I keep telling myself, what is the worst thing could happen if my KPI is less than 80%. I just will not get my increment & the chance for me to get AP will be slowed down. So?? It's not that bad . It's not like it will be the end of the world....b'cos my current pay is enough for everything, right? Why I need to worry so much? What matter the most is to keep happy b'cos as long as you happy, everything will be OK. Besides, i think I am going to do exactly the same thing what I did when doing my PhD. what is it?? Just go with the flow!!! It's already written up there my destiny, my path, etc. Everything happens for a reason :). What I need to do is USAHA. Nothing comes free & I will definitely not going to push myself.

Last night, Mr. S talked about life & it really opened my eyes, heart & mind. That was when I think... yeah, let's just go with the flow & be grateful with what I already have. If my rezeki to get AP in 3 yrs time, Allah s.w.t will give it to me, no matter what. USAHA tetap kena USAHA. Ooooo.. Mr. S also mention something about anchor in getting success. Yup.. I told myself, my anchor now is 'AP'. Anything that I do is anchored to AP. Fast or slow???? I don't know. I will just go with the flow...

If anybody ask about my success in doing Phd... my answer is always be a good wife :). By being a good wife to Mr.S, he is happy. When he is happy. I will happy too and when I am happy everything's gonna be great & that is what happened with my study. My Phd in 3 yrs time, Alhamdulillah.

However... since coming back from UK I spend very little time with Him :(. I recite quran much lesser now. Reading quran is another good way to soothe your heart and mind. I should spend more time with him, no ecxuse. With ramadhan is coming, I hope I will be better umat.

Got to go... writng this one long entry really make me relieve. The next thing I want to do is to share my feeling with Mr. S. he is such a good advisor, provided he is not with his X10. If not... his mind will be somewhere else when you're talking with him, huhuhuu.

MyBM oh MyBM

Bila lah boleh pindah masuk ni????? For sure, not in this month, huhuhuhu

Going home

After about 4-5yrs (masters & phd) in UK, InsyaAllah, tomorrow night we'll be going home for good & will leave southampton. Will we come back? I don't know. Hopefully.. one day. syawal said he wants to come for the his graduation next summer.

How do I feel??? At the moment..very tired as I still have lots of things to do. I need to make sure the house condition is as clean as possible for the next tenant to come in. Luckily the next tenant will be our fren. So I don't have to clear everything. Basically, the packing is almost done but what make me quite upset is I have to do everything on my own. syawal is not helpful at all *gggrrrr*. When I said I do everything, that means EVERYTHING. His task is only involve with the car, ticket,etc,etc. He started his forum activity already that make me really annoyed.

Anyway... I won't complain much b'cos 2morrow at the heathrow airport he must buy me something expensive & he definitely cannot say NO. We actually planned to go to Harrods yesterday. Since he sent the car for check up, we planned to rent a car. However, since we booked at a very last minute, there was no car available. Automatically the plan is cancelled and we went to the city centre instead for the last minute shopping. Well, I've checked what shops at the airport. Even though the brand that I wanted is not there, other brand will do, hehheheh. Well, that maybe our last shopping experience in UK. One of the things that I am gonna miss here is the shopping spree, huhuhuhu.... the outlet, CBS, ebay, amazon, etc,etc,etc

Frankly, I am not that excited to go back to m'sia yet. maybe b'cos of the tiredness. But I will miss Southampton, definitely *sob,sob,sob*

Dag, dig, dug......

Phooh.... don't know how to start. Well, today is syawal's big day and I think tve viva is already started. And me??? I am really nervous now. Hope he's doing great.

He left home about 9am this morning. He didn't really know what time is his viva but the internal examiner told him few days ago, maybe around 9.30am. Sometimes I feel pity of him b'cause he got a not very helpful SV. Can you believe it, his SV didn't even email him the time of the viva until 2day. not only this but syawal had to push him on everything. If not, I think I don't know when syawal will get his phd.

anyway..... my pray will always be with him. Can't wait for his call sooooon, I hope.

My lappy...

We don't really have a plan to go out today. So, I planned to do marathon updates in this blog while preparing the slides for a conf that I'm not going to attend, *sob,sob,sob*. However, when I switched on the lappy, I saw blue screen with some words on it. When I asked Syawal, he said 'ur hard disk is dead', huhuhuhuh. The thing that I scared the most is finally happened. the only good thing is it happened after my study is completed, *phhooh*. But i swear I was sweating a bit when he told me that. Only few secs later I realized that I shouldn't be worry, hehehhehe. I've been using the lappy for the past 3 yrs & all my works are in there. Anyway, all my works have been backup......

Syawal tried to look at it & see if he could save the contents but seems like the disk is totally dead. What make me quite upset is the pictures in there. I just transfered the latest pixs from my mobile into it & mostly are Syra's pixs in action, :(. also, other pix that I wanted to blog about, huhuhuhu. the reason I asked for a gud camera phone from syawal was b'cos of this blogging stuff. I asked syawal to look at the lappy again, hope he could save those pixs even tho the chances are very slim.

fortunately, the lappy is still ok, just the hard disk that has gone kaput. in fact i'm using it now with the ubuntu live disc os. what i need just a new hard disc & the lappy will be up & running like b4.

Another experience..

I had a very long & painful labour experience when gave birth to syafique and seems like I'm going to have another 'memorable' experience with my second child, huhuhu. It's already 11 days past the due date & if it remains like this until tomorrow morning, I'll go for the induced labour *dup,dap,dup,dap*. I've been booked for induction on labour at PAH at 8.45am tomorrow.


How do I feel??? Most of the time I feel nervous. How if the the induction does not work well on me?? If it's working, the contraction will start and within 4 hrs, InsyaAllah u'll give birth. The level of pain is varies but there are cases when it doesn't give effect on ur body & they have to wait for 6 hrs before knowing that. then they'll give u a drip which be much more painful, *sigh*. At the moment, I can't do much except praying. I hope Allah s.w.t. will ease the process, InsyaAllah.


So tomorrow morning, Syawal & me will go to the PAH. We've decided syafique will not go to school 2morrow as we hope, when there is a sign that I'm about to deliver the baby syawal will pick him & my family to the hospital. Syafique keeps saying he wants to see the baby when she comes out. Me too, hope he'll be there beside me. he is been so dear to me these past few days.


Aaaahhhh, I really hope everything goes well tomorrow. Thinking about it really make me sick. I tried not to think about my final exam but it's so difficult not to do it. I just read through my notes/preparation & the rest of it, I'll leave to Allah s.w.t. Since Fri I went out, just to take fresh air & relax my mind by doing window shopping. It really does help me in make me calm. Besides, my family needs to go out too as I don't think they've much time to go anywhere after I give birth. Ina said I shouldn't go out a lot after giving birth. I need to rest as much as possible at least during the confinement period. But I need to take them to London b4 they going back home in 3 wks time.


Anyway, syawal is about to do something big very soon. It's not happening just YET but after he received call this morning, the chances of not happening is very low. Typical syawal...very unpredictable. It took him just cple of days in making the decision, huh. The moment I saw him browsing something, I knew he is up to something & what is it??? Not gonna write it here but hmmmm, knowing syawal I am not shock/surprise at all. I just tell myself to accept it. I did make loads of arguments/critics of his plan & as expected, he always has answers on everything. He did know that I am not really happy though with the decision but I leave everything in his hand. I know he know what he is doing. Besides, syawal is a high risk taker compared with me who is afraid to do something that I consider BIG step. Well, another reason why I don't really want to think about it is b'cos I have other more important things that already gave headache. To syawal... gud luck with ur decision, hehehhehe and for me I've to re-think/re-calculate abour our future budget planning, huhuhuhu

I think it'll take sometimes for the next entry in this blog. Hope it'll be good news, InsyaAllah. Please pray for me too...

41 weeks

Yup.... it's already my 41 wks pregnnat & still no sign of labour, huhuhuhu. However, I am less worry now b'cos I've been booked for induce next Tues,05/05. They said induced labour is much more painful, not comfortable,etc,etc,etc & I've decided to take epidural. Moreover, the midwife also strongly suggested me to take it. But who knows, maybe my little SA decides to come our naturally. For me it doens't matter anymore... induce or natural, as long as the baby is OK.

yesterday was my last meeting with my midwife. After this I'll go to the PAH to give birth....naturally or induced, huhuhu. One interesting (or embarassing??) thing happened during the meeting, hehehehhe. Earlier, b4 the meeting, I did some reading on induced labour. Just to prepare myself what is it about, the options, etc,etc. So, I wasn't that blank when she explained to me about the induced labour pss & made our discussion easier.

One of the thing that we tried during that meeting was membrane sweep. It is actually a process to simulate labour. basically, the midwife will try to pull ur cervix down. By this, I mean the m/wife needs to put her hand inside my vag**a, huhuhuhu. I was really shy (& scared too) but it was done in a very professional way. She just told me to remove all my lower bits stuff and asked syawal if he wants to see it. Of course syawal declined, heheheh, & just stayed behind the curtain. Back to the procedure, she guided me on my position which I found very convenient & then, it was the time for the most crucial part.... I was really nervous & scared when I saw her hand with glove & I could see the lubricant on it. However, surpirsingly it happened smoothly & I felt no pain or uncomfortable feeling at all. I noticed that she never looked at my part when she was doing it & that made me less embarass & more relax. The only time I felt uncomfortable was when she tried to find/reach my cervix. Along the process, she kept asking if I felt OK, any pain or whatsoever & honestly, I felt OK, eventhough I could feel her hand (or fingers) moving inside me. She even said I have a very high threshold pain & I kinda agree with her, in comparison with syawal, hehehhehe. Anyway, she couldn't reach my cervix. Maybe it's too deep inside but I hope it helps in someways.




We did all the regular check up like monitor the baby heart rate & measure the baby's size. She noticed a static growth of the size & the baby's heart rate was faster (>160bpm), so she suggested me to go to PAH for further check up later that afternoon. She thought nothing to be worried but just as a pecaution. So after picking syafique up from school & took him back home, me & syawal off to the PAH. Well, this is another new experience for me. Well, it was just a simple procedure, To look at the baby heart rate & as expected nothing to be worried. managed to take some pictures when we were there.

One of the things that I've been thinking is I hope syafique could be with us (me & syawal) when I am in labour. yesterday, when I told him I need to go to the hospital, he thought the baby is coming & he wanted to come with me. I could see in his eyes that he really wanted to be there & I felt so touched. I forgot to ask the midwife how many ppl are permitted to be in the labour room, hmmm. Also, I think if I go for the induce, I don't think they'll permit kid in there as it's gonna a long process. Well, I did make a plan with syawal though on how syafique could be there on that day. hust hope it works as planned.

To syawal... thanks for being there with me. He's been very loving, caring for the past few weeks. I think he realizes how nervous am I when the baby still not coming out yet. At least by pampering me, it could make me relax. So, whenever I ask for anything, he'll just follow. Anyway, I did tell him there's one natural method for inducing labour that need his involvement *wink3x* BUT he is scared, hahahahah even though I told him, again and again, the baby won't know & don't even feel it. muahahahhahahahah. So, I guess we have to give that method a pass, huhuhuhu. The other good news about syawal, finally, his SV has returned his last 2 chapters of his thesis, Alhamdulillah. Now, he needs to compile the complete thesis & submit them again to his SV for final checking. I hope there'll be not much correction & he could submit the final thesis to the school soon. Then just wait for the viva date.

Got to stop now. Please pray for me too....

La,la,la,la...

I actually don't know what to put for the title so la,la,la,la it is. OK.. what to write??

Let's begin with myself. I am still pregnant, huhuhuhuh and the due date is just few days away. I really hope little SA decides to come out to see the world ASAP as I have to prepare myself for the viva but I can't do much on that except just wait & see. I actually feel so blessed b'cause my family is here to help me during the confinement & co-incidently, my viva will be around the same time they are here. I am really grateful to him & what I always pray, I hope everything goes smooth. Based on my postnatal experience with syafique, I think 2 wks is enough to rest after giving birth. Anyhow, I will just 'tawakkal' to Allah s.w.t. as everything happens on his will & I always believe everything happens for a reason.

What I hate about myself is my mood swing.... terrible. I hope my family understands me that I can easily lost my temper, especially when ppl keep asking the same thing like what my father always do, huhuhu. Seriously, my level of patience is at the lowest level at the moment & this is really not good. I am someone who cannot hide my feeling/face expression whenever I am angry/upset/not satisfy/etc,etc. That is why I always prefer to act cool & happy. I also become more sensitive, & this case is only happen between me & syawal. I don't know why but I feel I want to be treated like a baby like how I treated him when he was suffering back pain few wks ago, huhuhuhu. Last night, he almost made me cried with his riduculousness. Luckily, he realized that he made me upset & be more sensible. Thank God for that, if not there will be a thunderstorm in 260 Brdlnds rd. And also, luckily I didn't follow my head wind and tried to cool down myself. After that we made like nothing happened & continued chatting on other stuff.

I met another fren, AM yesterday. AM just passed her viva few wks ago & got another tips from her. AM is English, so she has no problem about language. One of the things that make me nervous is my vocabulary. If the examiners ask Qs, i might know the answer but b'cos of poor vocab knowledge, I might answer wrongly, huhuhu. That is why I need to practise,practise and practise, so I can talk fluently in English. Anyway, AM told me that she was really nervous during her viva & even her examiners noticed that. They even asked her why she was so frightened. When I met Pa*l cple of weeks ago, he told me about AM was so nervous & I thought it was normal for anyone who is having a viva but after meeting her, I realize she must be very nervous that day. So, what I learnt from that is I must learn to control my nervousness & also confidence in myself. One thing for sure, you won't know every answer for every question. Again, I'll try my best & the rest... I'll give myself to Allah s.w.t.

I feel so mch better now, after writing this entry. Till then...bye :)

Grrrrrrr

This happened to me yesterday when I went to the city centre for window shopping alone. I am so much want to enjoy my window shopping peacefully, so I didn't ask syawal and syafique to come with me. They of course were more happy not to come with me, hehhehehe. The Blue Cross sales at Debenhams started on Wed & it is one of the sales that you must not miss :). Since we haven't had any plan yesterday, I decided to go yesterday. Besides, I have 2 pnd Boots voucher to redeem. And the most important reason is to keep active for easy delivery process, I hope. If I just stay at home, I'll spend most of my time snuggling on the sofa.

After having lunch at Pizza Hot '4' U (the bezt pizza in Soton) together, syawal dropped me at Debenhams. As expected I got few good bargain stuffs. What are they? Not to be revealed here but enuff to say something to spice up the marriage *wink3x*. By the time I was done there, I actually was already exhausted but still got some energy left to walk from debenhams to the high street.

The next stop was Boots, got what I wanted & before paying, I wanted to grab a mineral water as I was really thirsty & tired. This was when 'it' happened that really make me 'grrrrr'. Not to anybody, but to myself. On the way to the till, I saw this offer.... buy Nurofen and get a bottle of mineral water for FREE. Since syawal still isn't in good form in the past few days & our ibuprofen almost finish, so I thought this is really a good bargain. However, I didn't notice how much the Nurofen was but I thought it must be just around 1 - 2 pnd.

** the thing that make me 'ggrrrrrr' to myself**

So, I went straight to the till & expected that my purchases wouldn't be more or less 10 pnd. I was totally wrong.... My whole purchase was about 14 pnd. Hmmm.... when I looked at the receipt, the nurofen was almost 4pnd. Whatttt??? If I just bought the water, it only cost me 58p, huuhuhuhuhuhuhu. Grrr... in the 1st place I never planned to buy Nurofen but I fell for that FREE offer. Syawal just laughed at me when I told him my regret, aaarrrgghh. If I buy the in house brand, it would cost less than 1pnd. Aaarghh, I really regret myself for being stu*id.

**That is the free mineral water that I got..... huhuhu**

Anyway, that didn't stop me from enjoying my leisure time. Managed to get into few other shops b4 syawal called me to know whether I was ready to go back or not. Thank God he called b'cos by that time I could barely walk. I forced myself to walk to our meeting point and I warned him in the 1st place, that I walked in a very slow pace, so please be patient. It was heaven when I finally reached & got into the car. And the 1st thing I did when got into the house was straight to the bed, lied my back down. So comforting but overall I had big fun!! can surely do this again..anytime.

Blessed Friday

Finally....... almost there. Still can't believe it myself. However, I am not in the mood to tell the details. Don't know how to explain how do I feel but I think my feeling is like a fruit cocktail, everything is mix together huhuhu. I am scared, really scared. Just imagine, for the past three yrs I always got something to do and suddenly now I have nothing to do except prepare for the day. I feel empty and lost. Double scary!!!

Well, I'll leave you with the pictures & let them tell the story.

**jeng,jeng,jeng...... at 1.45pm today**

**The receipt (later to be claimed *wink*). Still scared to open the box**

**Five copies**

**Have to make sure everything is OK & correct**

**After everything is done, share my feeling with the 'heartless' him... who else???**

**Me with the receipt. Am I really happy???? Scared is the best word to describe my feeling**

**The receipt.... finally. Alhamdulillah but I am scared, really scared**

** The receipt & my copy... on my desk at the office. Still scared to bring it home. Afraid I might find error when I read it again**

What should I do?

Well.. I am quite worry with Syafique. I don't know why but he cries a lot lately. I really don't know why. One thing that I noticed, if he is too sleepy & he is not off to sleep yet then he'll start his grumpiness & drama.